Tuesday, August 16, 2011

just being honest.

I was going to write another {What I've Learned} post today, but instead, I want to share a little bit of my heart with you guys. My ugly heart. Oh boy, here goes.

I struggle with jealousy.

It's so ugly and such a yucky part of my heart. Far too often, I compare myself to others and notice that I come up lacking. And I want what they have. I want their handmade biz success. I yearn to be the one announcing a pregnancy. I want a beautiful house with hardwood floors. I wish I was a better writer, photographer, artist, etc. etc.



Some days it doesn't affect my day or my mood. but I have noticed that lately I am starting to feel sad about what I don't have and I lose the joy for what I do have. The overflowing blessings in my life that I don't merit at all, but that God has poured on me-- on us-- because He just loves me.



The truth is, there are always going to be people who are better at me in XYZ. There will be people who have what I want, what I don't have. And I need to get over it.

Jealousy is so unattractive. Ew.

I have a gorgeous husband who is my very best friend and loves me with all his heart.

I have a job that lets me pursue my passion and get paid for doing what I love.

I live in Hawaii.


I attend an awesome church and have group of beautiful sisters and brothers that encourage and support me.

I have 12 (yes, 12 now!) nieces and nephews, 6 brothers and sisters, two loving parents and amazing in-laws.

I get to eat three meals a day, I have a roof over my head, and a soft bed to sleep in at night.


But even if I didn't have any of that, if it was all taken away tomorrow-- I have a Father who loves me and calls me His child! Even with this ugly heart, He is enraptured with me. And that will never be taken away. 

So, go away jealousy. You're not wanted here.

I wish it were that easy, but at least it's a start.


{photos from my walk around the neighborhood last night.}


lindsay

62 comments:

  1. I wish that I had the capacity for the type of faith you have. And I can't tell you how envy and regret and other ugly things have affected me (because you'd get bored and think, why is this crazy person saying this to me?! lol). At least you have a very positive way of handling it.

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  2. Yet another beautiful, honest, inspiring and well written post...love reading these before I head to bed to start fresh in the morning!

    Honestly, I think every one of us has a bit of jealousy in us, it is a human nature, and an ugly one too...you are right, but you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with it either, especially when you can acknowledge it!

    Always remember that you are a wonderful person and I feel lucky to know what I do about you through blogland...you are lovely at what is unique to you! :) Sometimes it takes a post like this to remember those wonderful things, as you listed near the end!

    On a side note, I can't believe you have 12 nieces and nephews...I have 2 and love them to pieces, how fun and lucky!

    Liesl :)

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  3. A beautiful post!!! We all have desires of the flesh. It can be really hard not to get jealous. It's something I struggle with a lot. One piece of scripture I always remember is from Matthew..."the spirit is willing but the body is weak".

    What I love is how you wrote about the beautiful things God has given you.

    God has given us all special gifts and you certainly have a special artistic talent. Not to mention you are a child of God...that's special all in itself.

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  4. counting the blessing is always so helpful. I too struggle with this I struggle with the fact that I graduated with two BA degrees and cant find a good job, so I go around jealous of others who have wonderful jobs and enough money to get married and have a beautiful home. This reminds me to be thankful for what I have... a beautiful relationship with God, my loving boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and my crafts... thanks for the beautiful post :-)

    - Much love, Kim

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  5. Jealousy is a very real feeling, but it only makes you human to admit that you feel it. We all do at some time or another. You are admirable for still seeing what you have to be grateful for. Your honesty is riddled with thanks for what you do have, and no one can go wrong with that!

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  6. you're very brave to admit it, so many people spend their lives denying jealous feelings despite the fact that everybody gets them. it's a very good thing that you can still see the lovely things that you do have!

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  7. I think so many people can relate to this post but might not necessarily be willing to admit it! For what it's worth, I have coveted many times while reading other blogs; beauty, homes, talents, etc. I'm not proud of this, but I am aware of it, so it's a start!

    I honestly believe it is natural to think/feel this way...I mean, we are human, afterall. Sometimes it takes having us realize these things about ourselves before we are able to reconcile that by His grace, we are ALL equally blessed. Our job is to share our God-given gifts with the world in ways that will glorify Him; and honestly, if you were to ask me, I'd say that YOU are right on track with that! You inspire so many people (myself, included!) with your art and love for life and Jesus...I hope you know that!

    And this is totally unrelated, but I am really digging those orange sandals! :)

    Have a great week!

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  8. I can totally relate to what you're saying and I love your honesty.

    I can say...i'm jealous of you!!! I would love to live in Hawaii, I wish I could even begin to pick up a paint brush, but I can say, I am married to my best friend and I love him dearly.

    You have an amazing talent for writing, photography and your art is wonderfully beautiful. It all comes from your heart and all in all, that's what matters.

    It's called being real.

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  9. What we envy of others may not be all that it seems... We all have crosses to bear, we all want what someone else has.. but how do we know that those people we envy are all that happy? Your plusses are just that... Enjoy what you do have, not what you don't... What u don't have could just be temporary... you have a husband, loads of relatives... I could give you my list of wants- you have two of what I don't..

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  10. Hi Lindsay! :)

    I agree with Kalei's Best Friend and have found this to be true in my own life. We definitely all have our crosses to bear. And blogland is a great place for jealousy to rear it's ugly head. Everyone seems so perfect because mostly, that is what they choose to show. I do appreciate you being as honest as you are. I think that you are incredibly talented and fun and beautiful and your marriage seems wonderful. But it really does go to show that no matter what you see, the heart may be very different. We all struggle...it's a part of our sin nature and God isn't finished with any of us just yet. So thankful for that! :)

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  11. Jealousy is ugly it's so true. When my husband and I first started dating that was a HUGE struggle for me. I have a very hard time believing that he loved me and wouldn't leave me because of the way I grew up and because of a past relationship.

    It took a lot of prayer and within a few years, I've gotten much better at that. But I know it wasn't me doing it, because if it was me, I'd still be that way. God is so good and faithful.

    I appreciate your honesty! Praying for you!

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  12. Jealousy is never fun, & it's not always easy to overcome that jealousy. I so appreciate your honesty here, Lindsay. :)

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  13. I love honest posts like these; they're such a shining light in the blogosphere. We've all been exactly where you are, and I think it's so much easier to be that way now, when we're surrounded by bloggers and Facebook friends. It used to be that you'd just compare yourself to your friends and neighbors (which was bad enough). But now, it's so easy to go online and see what you don't have. I'm so guilty of it! The key, I think, is to continually give thanks, even if it means making a daily list of what's blessing your life. Thanks for the reminder that we're not called to be a jealous people; we're called instead to live in a constant state of gratitude and commitment. Great post, Lindsay!

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  14. Thank you so, so much for this post this morning!!

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  15. I'm the same way. And oddly, you're one of the people I find myself being jealous of! I think jealousy is a part of all of us and it's just how we choose to deal with it, you know?

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  16. So appreciate your honesty! It's something we all struggle with and I love that you "put it out there" on your blog...thanks for being such a light to the bloggy world! :)

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  17. oh linds...i feel for you. :) love you friend!

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  18. Thanks for sharing your heart. I often start posts but get to scared to be real with people. It is refreshing to see you being real and honest.

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  19. It takes a special, talented, self aware person to admit to unperfectness. Luckily, we are all perfect in God's eyes. Thanks for sharing with us! Make it a great day!

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  20. oh jealousy...he gets the best of us! Have you read CS Lewis' Screwtape Letters? I love how jealousy is portrayed on those pages...shows us how big of a tool it is for Satan!

    Hope today is full of grace for you :)

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  21. you are not alone, sister. thank you for your honesty and the reminder!

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  22. Lindsay,
    I really enjoyed your post today.... I feel that we all go through those jealous periods of life. I also have been wondering why my life isn't going exactly as planned or as wonderful as I'd hoped, but like you said, there are a lot of great things that I do.
    Thank you for reminding me of this as well!

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  23. oh lindsay thanks for sharing your heart. i think we all struggle with looking at what we don't have and focusing on that instead of our blessings at times. it's so easy to do. i've started writing down things that make me happy at the end of my blog posts. i just read one thousand gifts by ann voskamp...it's such a wake up call that if we start focusing on our "gifts" from Him it completely changes how we view life and is a prayer offering of sorts. you might want to check out that book. so good.

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  24. thank you for your honesty sweet girl. i'm right there with you fighting the ugly jealously monster (my own house, wood floors, a baby!) and trying hard to focus on all the sweet blessings God has given. keep it up friend!

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  25. Beautifully RAW..I deal with the same heart tugs.

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  26. Oh girl, I struggle with this too. I think, unfortunately, its a very common thing to struggle with. Especially us women. However, with an awareness of it and a great spirit like you have, you can overcome it most days! And those days you don't....well, thank goodness, we have God that loves us despite our daily shortcomings. Beautiful post!

    DanaMichelle

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  27. Wow, Linds, it is really easy to relate to this post! I just wanted you to know that I am one of those quiet admirers who is in awe of your abilities as a creator of beautiful and unique art and a very talented writer. The way you profess your faith is nothing short of inspiring. I know these days of doubting, comparing, and envy come and go, but I thought you should know I think you are something else! Thank you for the post!!

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  28. may sound ironic, but this is one of the most beautiful posts you've written. i love you, friend.

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  29. such a beautiful post. your pictures are beautiful, your writing is amazingly true, your creations are wonderful...I could go on and on, but I won't. Thank you for sharing your heart!

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  30. I can tell that you have taken a brutal look at "the ugly side" of your heart, and your honesty has inspired me to do the same. I cannot voice how much I appreciate reading your words. I struggle with many of the same things daily; it affects my mood, work, love, friendships.

    I love the simple "So, go away jealousy. You're not wanted here." I'll stand with you in whispering it strongly, and in fighting the quiet fight.

    We both know it's not easy, but you've taken a solid step forward and for that you're already all the better. Good luck with this, Lindsay!

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  31. I go through the same things too. I think we all do..not saying it makes it all ok.

    Some days it's hard stopping myself from comparing myself to other girls my age or younger girls who 'have more' than I do. But I love what you said at the end about our Father.

    We'll never lose Him. Thank goodness for that!!

    Emily w/Amazing Grapes

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  32. I love this post, so beautifully written! Thank you for your honesty!

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  33. I appreciate that you opened up in this post. While blogland make the world seem so small, it can also cloud reality. Most people (I'm guilty myself) are only sharing the best parts of their lives. You don't always see the struggles or heartache or boredom. Know that you aren't alone in your jealousy. Your faith will help you rise above.

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  34. Amen, Friend! Thank you for putting your honest heart out there because I feel like I struggle with some of the exact same things and jealousy is certainly Satan's way of making us look past abundant blessings!!!

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  35. I'm pretty sure EVERYONE has those thoughts/feelings at times. I know I do. I also know that there are plenty of people in this world that yearn to have what you have, or even what I have. Sometimes it just seems so impossible to imagine that we have it so good that others wish they had what we have. It's hard to be happy with what we have, who we are, and our accomplishments sometimes when we compare; but we must always try and remember how blessed we are and to see the amazingness of what makes us, us. Thats how God made us perfect in his image, right?

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  36. Sweet girl, you are not alone. I appreciate your candid honesty and LOVE your sandals. xoxoxoxo

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  37. we all do. hey, i'm jealous you live in Hawaii! But one thing I do know is although its ugly and nasty it does show you what you would like to do/have one day. The important thing is is that you are grounded and recognize it, and that shows your maturity and close relationship with God.

    love you friend...:)

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  38. i totally understand, i go through the same emotions, i think everyone does. each day i tell myself the happiest people dont have the best of everything they make the best of everything they have. i try to think of the amazing things that i am greatful to have and think of others who are less fortunate. i know there are still those days... you have been blessed more thank you know ;-)

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  39. Hey L! Just finished a book that speaks to our human tendancey toward a posture of ingratitude and how seeing through the surface of our daily lives into the holy behind the trivial can so completely change us. One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. She took a dare to write down 1,000 tiny things in her daily life that she is thankful for and it has been "rippling" ever since! I just started my own list. Maybe you should take the dare too! I'm listing on my blog excerpts from my journal list of 1,000. You in?

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  40. Go YOU!!!!! That, the blog post, in itself, probably made you feel better. At least I hope so. I think we all deal with that from time to time...thanks for the reminder!!! And um....I am so jealous...I want your sandals!!! See???!!!! All the time....hehehehe. Chin up lady. Your heart is beauty.

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  41. love your honesty. its something we all struggle with. I think you hit the nail on the head, in that Christ loves you and you can tell your jealousy to hit the road jack! Fortunately, Christ does still love us and died for us while we were still sinners. He will work out our sin issues until the day we go to our permanent home!

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  42. This is a beautiful post, Lindsay! I too struggle with jealousy almost on a daily basis. It's one of the things I like least about myself. Hang in there - you are wonderful!

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  43. i completely understand how you feel and i think it's just human to feel that way. all we can do is try to count our blessings, but everyone gets down every once in a while! hope you feel better!

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  44. don't be so quick to write off jealousy. it's there revealing something to you. and at the close of your entry it seems you 'get it'. that 'even if' X does OR does not happen your source of joy remains. that is what {sadly} most miss and live a life of bondage and not freedom because of. i encourage you when these 'feelings' rear to examine them, as opposed to 'oh! no! it's that ugly jealousy i should not be feeling that so i will deny it and push forth.' want to talk more at length with you on this :) share what our Lord has been showing me. thank you for sharing. this is what fellowship is all about. oh, and not to mention, it's the oldest 'trick' in the book, to get us to look at the one thing we don't have and focus on it... think eve.

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  45. Oh, girl! I feel ya on this issue. I can totally relate!

    I LOVE your photos in this post. So beautiful!

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  46. I love this post! So niceto hear the TRUTH from a godly blogger :) Which church in Hawaii do you go to? Also, I told you on twitter before but I covet your wardrobe. See? I'm jealous of you!!

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  47. What an awesome post Lindsay! I definitely struggle with the same things as I think it's a normal feeling. I ultimately had to step away from the handmade biz for a while to readjust my thoughts and stop being jealous of others. For me, it was helpful to stop following the blogs and twitter feeds of the ones that make me the most jealous. That's probably not the answer for everyone though.

    It's so hard now in the world of blogs, twitter, facebook and pinterest to not get jealous of others. We get to see other people post the good things in their lives all day long. Just remember though, just as you don't see the bad times in photographs, sometimes you don't see other people's struggles in their "online life." The people you're jealous of just might be jealous of you! :)

    Thanks again for posting. I love how honest and real you are in your blogging. SMILE!

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  48. i love your honest and true posts, linds! jealousy is a very natural and feeling and we all have to deal with it! but you have so many great things going on in your life that im sure other people are jealous of too.. hello, living in hawaii!!! it's also very real to compare yourself to others but i think the most important thing is being happy with yourself and what you have! :) xo

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  49. I love your honesty. I respect you so much for just laying it out there.... and most of all i love the pictures you take :)

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  50. Oh Lindsay, you are far from alone in these feelings! I have really been struggling with jealousy and bitterness a lot lately. I love how you listed all of the things you have to be thankful for. When I feel these feelings creeping in, I have to step back and do the same thing...take note of all I do have that is so wonderful. One look at my children usually does the trick :)

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  51. I can absolutely relate! After high school, I took a year off before going to college, and then only went part time (and some semesters, not at all) since then. I feel jealous of my friends who are done with school, and some who have multiple degrees, or are in grad school -- one of my friends finished grad school, and another one finished law school, both are my age. But I've had some really great and unique work opportunities, so I try to remember to be thankful for them.

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  52. I don't think there is one human being on this planet that isn't affected by jealousy at one time or another. We all have insecurities and it is so easy to pick out the things or traits others have that seem to be better than ours. I'll admit that I read your blog and see your beautiful photos and I can't help but wish for such beautiful surroundings and such a cute wardrobe. :) But we are all blessed with a unique life and we should celebrate that! I love your honesty and I'm glad you shared it!

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  53. New to your blog, and I love this post! You are facing jealousy in exactly the right way. The Enemy has a way of reminding us what we aren't, what we don't have, and what we'll never be. Don't listen to that! Don't make that voice your own voice. Focus on "whatever is true." Philippians 4:8
    Anna

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  54. I'm right there with you. I struggle with the same issues and compare myself to others. I struggle with very low self esteem issues from a past that I have that I can't let go. I'm in a very loving and wonderful relationship now and my insecurity gets in the way of us alot...and I don't want that. I have recently started seeking counseling to help me cope with it and to start loving "ME"...so hopefully it works. But keep your chin up...you're not only in the way you feel! ♥Love

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  55. Of course we can all relate...we are only human and it's natural to feel this way from time to time. Don't kid yourself...even those super-successful people feel that way too! Allow yourself to be human, continue to count your blessings, and let yourself enjoy the many supportive friends and family you have. And keep exploring your talents! You're a fabulous photographer, painter, color/coordinator/stylist and good-hearted person! Cheers!

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  56. I'm just now catching up with your posts and had to comment to say that I just love your honesty. We are all guilty of jealousy.. it's so easy to fall into it considering how much stuff is out on the net. I think the key (for me) is to banish those thoughts immediately before they take root in my hearts (sometimes I have to just get off the computer, or just stop and say a quick prayer). Our sinful nature is just so much more willing to look at everything we don't have and disregard what we do have. God is faithful and He knows the good and bad about us.. and loves us regardless <3 Thank you for your post

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  57. I'm so with you. My heart has been feeling this lately too. I'm trying to focus more often on my blessings but there are times when I truly struggle. It's human. And you are right we are still loved by Him.

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  58. I can't tell you how I needed to read this tonight. It's really cool to me that it was written a year ago, but God used it in my heart tonight. Thank you so much for recording these thoughts!

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  59. Going through some of your site and loving it all! I appreciate your honesty and know we all struggle with this yucky feeling at some time or another. I love that you wrote this almost a year ago exactly, and you are within days of holding sweet Si in your arms! And you now live in Panama City Beach, what more could you ask for. :) (wink, wink on the PCB part!) Thanks for your transparency. So glad you are here and that I have the privilege to know you!

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  60. <3 it! God is continually loving us, staying by our side and helping us through every. single. thing. Praise Him for that! I'm currently dealing with expectations, BTW. It's pretty ugly too. Maybe I should blog about it. Hm? ;)

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